What makes you, you?

The pros of adulthood don’t seem to present themselves in the same way as the cons, they’re subtle changes that we experience as we’re growing up. Having more freedom starts at home, usually, with a later bedtime, choosing what you want to eat, when your eventually allowed to go out with friends to the local shopping centre with £10 and a kiss goodbye. These are all fantastic things when you’re younger, exciting and new experiences, it’s making me smile just to think about it. As you get into your twenties, perhaps you’ve moved out from your family home and are learning to live independently. You’re suddenly chucked into the deep end of ‘official adulthood’, of course your family may be there for you every step of the way and Google is a fine helper on just about anything you might need to know (although please go to a GP instead of Googling ANY symptoms as that is an anxiety we can all do without!).  The excitement of moving out and becoming your own boss is immense, but once you’ve upgraded to the ‘official adulthood’ level of life it’s a long way down to the easy childhood you miss so dearly and the sad part about that is, you don’t realise until you’re an adult just how good you did have it as a child or young adult living at home. In fact, when I was a child I was longing to grow up, I wanted to be an adult so badly and I remember daydreaming about how I would be in my twenties, I definitely thought I would look older than this.

To tell the truth, although I am terrible at it, I do love being an adult. The realisation of who you are as a person, learning what you’re good at and being able to take your life on whichever journey you want, provided you have the means. Of course I miss the ease of being a child and not having to take responsibility, I think most people would agree with that but nothing (for me) beats knowing who you are as a person, the realisation that I enjoy writing, that I’m observant and am incredibly kind, learning that I am the definition of ‘people-person’, knowing that feeling I get when I listen to my favourite songs and having to fight the urge to dance. All of these little things that I never realised as a child but can fully appreciate in adulthood and really, it’s a shame we don’t know more about ourselves when we’re younger, perhaps I would have been quicker into the dream career? I wonder if any parents or older siblings can see these things in their little ones, if you can I urge you to speak to them about their amazing personality traits, see if it could open up a part of them that they didn’t know existed. I will certainly think about this the next time I see my younger sister. What can I see that she can’t that could potentially help her to better understand herself?

It wasn’t until long ago actually that I realised some of these things about myself, obviously I’ve always known that I love music but it wasn’t until recently I realised how passionate I am about music and the way it makes you feel. In English GCSE I got a B grade in both literature and language, so I knew I was fairly good at it, but I didn’t know how much I actually enjoyed the subject until 7 years after leaving. Now, 9 years since I’ve left school and I’ve learned so much about how my mind works and my strengths and weaknesses as a person that I wish I could go back and make different choices to those that I did but since that’s impossible, instead, I will use my strengths and passions to take me where I want to be, we’re not in a race and it isn’t the shortness of this journey that matters,  but the final destination of where you want to be that does matter.

This is very deep for Friday afternoon reading I must say! But I would love to hear if anyone else has recently learned something about themselves that they didn’t know until they became an adult, whether it is a strength a weakness or personality trait, learning anything about yourself is positive even if it’s a negative. And if you haven’t even thought about this other than to fill your CV or job application, really look into yourself and you might find something that surprises you.

Thank you so much for reading, I really enjoyed writing this!

Hannah x

This could be why you think something is wrong but can’t put your finger on it.

I realised yesterday that it’s actually been 2 whole YEARS since I wrote anything on here and that is just far too long to not do something that you really enjoy, so I’m back and hopefully going to stay posting, but knowing me it will come and go… This is something I’d like to change about myself, I want to stay consistent and stop giving up on things. Not that I “give up” with any intention, I don’t decide one day that I’m never going to do something again but it ends up being the last time, it just sort of happens, life gets in the way. Actually, I take that back instantly, life doesn’t and can’t get in the way, I stopped making time to do things like this, it wasn’t ‘lifes’ fault, it was mine. Ok I’m already improving guys look at me, taking ownership of my life…

The past few months have been so unexpectedly weird, I’m certain I’m not the only one who’s had plenty of time to think and reflect on everything since the beginning of lockdown, but nonetheless I wanted to share some of my experiences as a person that has continued to work full-time throughout the Covid-19 pandemic, albeit working from home.

Just before I get into the more negative stuff, I hope this is already clear but I am in no way trying to compare my lockdown to anyone else’s as I know I’m actually in a really good situation and I am extremely grateful to have a job that’s been able to support me throughout the pandemic, this blog is absolutely just an open diary on my life, thoughts and insights, whether it’s good bad or ugly!

At the beginning of the lockdown it was all sunshine and roses… I stay in bed for longer on the morning, always a good thing. I get to work without the commute, saving money on travel expenses, not to mention the positive effects this has on the environment. I turn my laptop off and I’m already at home, I have more time to do the things that I always complained about not having time to do. These positives are absolutely still true – they’re more like working from home facts and I will never be sick of them, it’s all very positive. Until your mental health starts to deteriorate with the lack of social interaction.

Don’t get me wrong – there is so much support being offered at work, I talk to people a lot on the phone and texts, the odd family quiz on Zoom but nothing beats face to face interaction with your friends and family. Even planning a future event has become more complicated, the uncertainty is unreal and so you end up with less to look forward to and when you’re working full-time you really need these things to look forward to, even if you aren’t working at all you need these things to look forward to, everyone does!

More recently though I’ve noticed within myself that I’m not as happy as I was at the beginning, the novelty of working from home has well and truly worn off for me, and I imagine just about everyone who is also working from home. Lack of outings and seeing friends has really started to take its toll. It has me analysing everything, thinking something is wrong in my life and perhaps that’s why I’m not happy? Do I still want to work for this company? Am I even on the right career path? Can’t we live somewhere better? I’ve spent the past couple of weeks knowing something was missing or not right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I saw a tweet that spoke volumes to me it was something like “everything is fine but everything is not fine” & I love the internet for this stuff, when thousands of people are having similar feelings because of the pandemic it makes you feel a little less alone, a little less weird.

I genuinely think that the reason I feel like this, is the loneliness and boredom at a level that I’ve never felt before. Constantly analysing my life trying to change things that aren’t wrong but getting annoyed that I don’t need to change them and just wanting more exciting things from life. We can do more now than we could at the beginning of the lockdown so things have and will continue getting better but I’m sure at least one person can understand this weird feeling I’m having. It’s basically like we’re trying to fix something that we can’t control and it’s horrible. I think that’s the relentless boredom we’re seeing ourselves faced with day in, day out. Trying to make things happen or even make a problem just for something to happen.

I’m going to leave that final paragraph above fairly open ended (ish) because I could honestly write about this forever but I’m getting tired! There is much more to this and peoples feelings. Obviously it’s much deeper than a blog post of mine, but this is how I felt. There are some horrible things going on in the world right now but that’s for another post!

Thank you for reading! Hannah x

(Not) Pedigree

Daily prompt: Pedigree

Yesterday we welcomed Kasey in to our family, although she isn’t pedigree I thought the subject was fitting. Even after just one night with us she seems so content and happy to be here, we’re still figuring out her poop pattern so there’s lots of going out for walkies when it looks like she might need to go!

She has an amazing personality, I wish you could all meet her, she is one of those dogs that loves everyone, will sit, paw, stay and fetch. I can’t believe how lucky we’ve been to be able to take her in. I love taking her out, it gets me off my arse too. The cats aren’t very happy… although I know they will grow to love her, once they realise she’s not going to eat them (just their food).

Please excuse my clothes hanging at the bottom of the bed.

I did a 2007 Britney and shaved my hair off

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Thankfully I wasn’t having some sort of meltdown, I just wanted a change.

I’d been talking about doing it when I was at work one day and that same night I went home and did it. My hair was the longest I’d ever been able to grow it and I loved it… but I’m getting an extra 30 minutes sleep before work, and this girl loves her sleep.

FAQ:

Q: ”Do you regret it yet?”

A: Absolutely fucking not

Seriously, where should I be in life by now?

Do you know when you’re young and the years never went by fast. ‘A year ago’ really felt like a year ago. Christmas still felt like Christmas – rather than just the excitement of having a few days off work. I have a very vague memory of thinking “I wonder what I’ll be doing in my twenties” and at the time I really didn’t have a clue what to expect and I certainly didn’t know what was realistic for twenty something year-olds to be achieving.

I have to admit I still don’t really know what’s realistic for 20 something year-olds to be achieving, social media has been a part of most of our lives since school, so as you can probably imagine (or understand from personal experience) we have racked up a fair few friends who’s lives we follow, and I mean that in the most non-creepy way possible. The point I’m trying to get to is that we see a broad group of people living their lives, we see baby bump news and first houses, holiday photos, university graduations, promotions, passed driving tests, first jobs, new jobs, engagements, weddings. I used to see these posts and start doubting everything I did after leaving school “I wish I’d stuck in at college, why am I not engaged, why do I not want a baby? Will I ever want a baby? I should of got a degree…”

It’s hard being in your twenties, at least that’s what I think, because the truth is, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing or I want from life, I always thought that in my twenties I’d have it all figured out, but now that I’m here at the age of 22 nearly 23 I keep telling myself that I’ll have it all figured out in my thirties, definitely… Surely? I must have it figured out by then? How shit would it be to get to pension age and regret most of your life choices…. Fuck, I’m spiralling.

I had no idea what this post was going to conclude but as I’ve been writing I’ve thought a lot about what I’ve achieved since leaving school and even things like working and earning everything I own is a really nice feeling. It’s important to be proud of your achievements no matter how small they seem but it’s more important not to compare your achievements to those around you. Be proud of your friends and of yourself. There is no time limit on success, we all go down different paths and just because a friend from school is getting married does not mean you’re life isn’t in order. Enjoy every day and try your hardest, it’s literally the most anyone can ever ask of you.

 

 

 

Weekly photo challenge: Place in the world

Even though I am extremely forgetful I have decided I’m going to attempt to post a photo every week for the photo challenge.

This is the Derwent Reservoir, approximately 8 minutes or so from where I live. On sunny days my boyfriend and I like to come here just to sit and look at the beautiful surroundings.

Almost a year ago we ordered pizzas then came here to eat them whilst the sun was setting, this is most definitely my happy place.

 

It’s been a while…

I haven’t posted anything in a while and I’ve been thinking about what it is I should write about next, my life isn’t exactly exciting, but then again it doesn’t have to be. I want to share experiences with the world (or the few people who read this) and attempt to see things from all different perspectives, opinions and I’d like to understand what makes people do things that they shouldn’t. The topic I’d like to talk about in this post is sexual harassment.

Just over a year ago on a night out a drunk male grabbed me by the arms quite aggressively, I was struggling to get out of his grip. And I mean I was physically yanking my arms trying to free myself from his grip but he was too strong. It was clear I didn’t want to be in the situation and it was even more clear that I was literally trying to get away from him (he wouldn’t of grabbed me otherwise) yet he continued and kissed my cheek and neck. Even just typing this out is making me feel conscious of any skin showing on my neck. It still makes my skin crawl thinking about it. I didn’t even come close to some of the horrific things you hear about on the news and still I felt completely violated and disgusting. I can’t even begin to think about how much worse it could of been if we hadn’t been in a crowded bar.

That brings me to the fact we were in a crowded bar. The first thing that springs to mind now is, who saw what was going on? How many of those people could see that I was struggling to break free from the arms of a creep and how many chose to ignore it? To be clear, I had only walked into the bar from the smoking area to go to the toilet. So my friends were outside and I was alone. Once I managed to break free from his grip I headed straight to the toilet and came across some of the creep’s friends, I told them what had happened and they made me feel like they would give him a telling, I felt slightly better knowing the other guys were on my side and understanding towards the matter. This was probably my only mistake, trusting them to really tell him, trusting them to know right from wrong, of course as soon as they had confronted him about it they were told “She’s drunk, she’s exaggerating” a friend of mine who also confronted him was told “She wanted it”

“SHE WANTED IT”

I wanted it? I’m confused here… didn’t I shout at you to get off me? Over and over again? Whilst forcefully trying to free myself from your grip.

You disgust me.

The people who continue to try and stand up for you disgust me.

It makes me feel sick that you were left to sit near me at work because moving you elsewhere would “draw too much attention”

Why are we trying to protect him? He did something horrible and why shouldn’t everyone know about it?

I know this is extremely mild compared to what could have happened and compared to all the horrible things that happen to anyone out there. But I just think what’s stopping him from doing it again or doing something worse to someone else? I get really angry and worked up thinking that I didn’t have a voice when it came to this. I didn’t get a chance to express my anger towards him and I probably never will, he never showed any signs of remorse because he genuinely believes he didn’t do anything wrong and if he didn’t think he was doing wrong, at what point would he stop?

Please never doubt someone who has been sexually harassed just because they had been drinking. Please listen to both sides of the story. Please tell your mate who can’t handle his drink that he can’t just go around grabbing and kissing people as he pleases.

 

 

 

 

 

On a good day

I’ve struggled with motivation to do a lot of things recently and so when I do accomplish something it makes me feel even more fulfilled.

I’ve always been a pretty lazy person but since my Sertraline dose was upped to 200mg I’m feeling more lazy and tired than ever. For example I was supposed to have finished painting the house last Friday but I painted a door. In 5 days the most progress I made was painting a door. Just one side of a door, not even both sides. And just to add insult to injury I painted it with the wrong colour. So yeah I just kind of gave up.

I like to think of everything in a positive light. 2 hours left at work? Well that’s only 2 lots of 1 hour and 1 hour isn’t even that long, better than that it’s only 4 lots of 30 minutes, and 30 minutes flies by. You catch my drift. Anyway, this morning I wanted to get up at like 8/9am, I slept through my alarms and ended up getting out of bed at 12… BUT I washed the huge pile of dishes that I’d been avoiding for a day or two, then I re-potted and watered some plants and I painted the kitchen. In 5 hours I made more progress than I did all last week.

Today has been a good day and I’m hoping tomorrow will be too. Hurray to me for making progress! If you complete something when you’re feeling a bit shitty I guarantee you’ll want to complete something else. I’m hoping that I go on a continuous spree of doing stuff, but who knows, everyday is different.

Brainwave o’clock

I’ve decided on a theme that I’d like to follow in my blog.

My social media accounts are full of people who, for whatever reason, are completely obsessed with what everyone thinks.

The type of people who would only help a homeless person if they had their phone camera recording and the type of people who want to show off to make their lives seem perfect. I’m sure you’ll know at least one.

I’m guilty of posting good news, planned holidays, passing tests, job interviews/promotions etc, just like anyone else, but it paints an inaccurate picture of our lives, no one is perfect no matter how much you try to make it seem that way. We’ve probably all also been in a position where we see how well everyone is doing and we inevitably compare our lives to the lives of others.

So, I’m going to focus this blog on all aspects of my life (good, bad and ugly) because everyone goes through shit at some point and it’s okay to make mistakes, you just have to forgive yourself and learn from them.

Side note: I was watching Netflix last night, I think it was Dynasty, anyway someone said “hurt people, hurt people” I’ve never heard a more real quote and been confused by the English language so much in one sentence.